i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
