Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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