How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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