thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
