1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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