Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
