Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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