Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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