I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
