I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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