At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
