I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
