My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize