Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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