hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
