if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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