capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
