he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
