Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
