i love accidental penises.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize