i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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