see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I pour the whiskey from now on
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
