What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
