writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
