they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
