Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
