Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It's rum buckets o'clock
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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