I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
