why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
