That's intense
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
