i think my tv is drunk
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
