if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
