if i can run in heels then i can drive
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
