I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
