Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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