are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
