I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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