broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
