I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
