dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
