You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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