I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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