When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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