Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
