I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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