He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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