She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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