I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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