Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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