i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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