My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
