idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
