he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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