just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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