I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
