I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
