I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
