Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
