I got chris browned last night
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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