after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize