I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
