You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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