I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
